Feeling conflicted today over feeling empty and wanting to feel full. I've been doing good rawkin, feeling so much more energy and natural in my body but today I am feeling the desire to stuff and be "full". I don't know if it is a level of anxiety that I would like to numb or just feeling overwhelmed a bit with regular life stuff and wanting to distract myself or even reassure myself with feeling "full". Not really desiring a specific taste-not cheese or cereal or anything which is probably one of the only reasons I haven't acted on it. I couldn't decide what to stuff myself with. How odd it is to live life more aware of the "feelings". The stuff to numb and empty means stuff again mentality is hard to get rid of. I liked that unconscious part of eating. I'm not sure what to do about it. I guess awareness is the first step. I wonder if I can handle staying fully conscious today.
I don't say that flip or glib, it is a great coping mechanism to check out once in awhile. I kid you not, there are times that it is safest for me to go a bit numb. After a rough IEP meeting for my son, after some intense medical testing on one of the kids or an ER visit or even after one of my son's bad days where he is unmanageable, I thank the higher power for coping mechanisms. Right now, my son accidentally whacked his friend and sent him to the ER, I smell something dead in my garage but there are no rats in the traps, my daughter found a worm on the maple syrup this morning, I have a book's worth of paper work for an upcoming medical specialist visit for my daughters unresolved issues that she claims are getting worse, it's a short month with less clients and I'm not sure how I will make rent (but that's projecting too far forward), got a weird phone call last night that I think is a scam but is the second time it has been tried on me for money-could be possible identity theft involved, I need to do my taxes, the school district is working on setting up my son's tri-annual IEP testing and life is just dishing out some regular ole crap. Nothing life threatening. Just one of those days where there are no clients this morning to distract me and I would rather stuff then feel. PHEW...writing helped. I may eat one of those mint chocolate truffles and see if it helps. Chocolate is good for you, ya know. I will just keep breathing...that helps too.
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Have done some more soul searching on this issue and found that the addictive quality of food is sort of my own personal respite. Being a single parent I am ON 24/7. Food come's were my shut down to some level. Raw food means I am raw and exposed 24/7. It is going to take some getting used to and other coping strategies will need to be utilized. I meditate regularly, I bubble bath (CALGON TAKE ME AWAY) and get into the fresh air on occassion but am becoming aware of that need to create a break, a shut down of sorts in order to take pause and collect myself a bit. Something to examine further, I think as I get deeper and deeper into the rawkin stuff.
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